Sunday, July 17, 2016

Life after my excommunication from The Mormon Church - Part One

On May 4th 2013 I was excommunicated from The Mormon Church. After I was exed it was a huge relief. It was really nice to not have to think about the church and try to live up to it’s standards. I still had to worry about my family though. I was pregnant and RJ and I needed to figure out want to do. We knew we wanted to keep the baby and be together we just didn’t really know how to get there yet.

First I couldn’t keep staying in a hotel because RJ doesn't have a bottomless wallet. A friend offered to put me up. I decided to take her up on that offer. Looking back on this it was probably at least partially engineered by my parents. Even if it wasn’t, by the end they took advantage of the situation. I enjoyed living there, I helped her a lot. She had foot problems and I helped her with errands, drove her around, and helped with cooking sometimes.

While I was staying there my dad insisted on having a meeting with RJ. One afternoon we finally decided to meet with him. At the meeting in was Me, RJ, my Dad, and my older sister. My Dad was very rude and refused to let RJ answer when he asked a question. He just kept talking and talking. At one point RJ told him to shut up because he just kept blubbering on. He asked very rude personal questions, like when the last time RJ and I had sex was. He just went on and on and on. Eventually he ran out of things to say and we left. Nothing good came from that meeting. It just made me more annoyed and pissed at my Dad. He wanted to control us, but neither RJ or I was ok with that. Later we discovered my Dad illegally recorded that meeting and tried to blackmail RJ with it later (I will get more into detail about that in tomorrow's post).

While I was there the lady I was staying with and my parents started researching RJ and decided to ambush me with all their research. All of this so called new, secret information they gave me I already knew. Things like RJ hadn’t filed for divorce with his wife yet. My parents know nothing about divorce. The friend I was staying with knew nothing about it either, she had been divorced before but it was a very long time ago. My parents didn’t realize the quickest way to get a divorce is have all the paperwork filled out before filing. For whatever reason they thought you had to file first, then do all the dividing of property and paperwork after. It doesn’t work that way. Unless you enjoy paying an arm and a leg for a lawyer.

This woman I was staying with accused him of being a narcissist. This was not the first time anyone accused RJ of being a narcissist (my Mom still thinks he is, but that is another story which I’m sure I will write about later, it’s a good one). RJ only had one other person call him a narcissist before. It was a woman he dated for a short time. After a few months of dating she bought a wedding dress before her and RJ and even talked about anything like that. During the break up she called him a narcissist. Later we found out that my Dad had spoken to RJ’s ex girlfriend. My Dad was trying to find everything RJ ever did and make him pay for it. Literally looking up ex girlfriends, wives, and anyone else he could think of to find dirt on RJ. Later RJ spoke directly to a few who said my Dad had contacted them. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get more messed up than that. My family didn’t know how well I knew RJ at the time. I knew everything about him. I knew he wanted to be with me, it would be a bumpy road but we would get there.  

I’m pretty sure at some point while my Dad was telling me all this stuff about RJ I swore at him this time. I said something along the lines of, “Why are you telling me all this stupid shit.” He literally had papers he was reading from. He didn’t really know what to do with the fact that I did not care what he was trying to tell me. Nothing was new. My Mom was there too I think she was the one who convinced me to let Dad in my room. I don’t remember all the details because it was three years ago, and I’m sure I have suppressed some of it because it was so awful. Eventually after trying to convince me I didn’t know who RJ was they left. I believe it was the following day RJ stopped by to pick me up. When I was about to leave the lady I was staying with asked me where I was going. She didn’t understand why hadn’t believed all the stuff they told me about RJ. She called me a liar. I have absolutely no idea why. I never told her a single lie. I left with RJ, we went to run some errands. I got a text from her while we were out. She said I had been evicted and she had called my sister and my sisters husband to pick up my stuff from her house, and take it to my parents. Luckily my parents were out of town and I was able to go pick up my stuff with minimal drama, but I needed to find a new place to stay.

Oddly enough someone who was friends with the lady I was staying with said I could stay with her. But she was quickly manipulated by my Mom. She was a recent convert and easily manipulated by the church. She was receiving welfare from the church at the time, I’m sure the threatened to take it away if she didn’t kick me out. I’m sure my Mom told her a few horror stories about RJ. Like he raped me. I couldn’t believe I didn’t have a place to stay because of my parents again!

My parents had made it their mission to personally make my life hell. My Mom wanted me to give up the baby and have the “perfect mormon life”. She wanted me to go to BYU and marry a returned missionary. She made it her mission to do everything she could to break RJ and me up and get me back in their control. I didn’t want that, I knew they would never support me and my baby the way RJ would. They kept making my pregnancy more and more stressful. I honestly think this is why I ended up with high blood pressure at the end of my pregnancy with Rose. Stress on a pregnant woman is not good.

RJ ended up putting me in a hotel that night. It was a quick fix and nice to have alone time with him, and time to myself. While we were there I made a call to the stake president. I was tired of my family, and a good majority of the ward being assholes. The stake president practically told me, my “sins” allowed them to judge me and all their horrible actions were justified because I “sinned” first. I was shocked. What type of religion that claims to be Christian would say shit like that was ok?

The next day I called a few people trying to find a place to stay. We tried to think of any person my parents didn’t know, but anyone we could think of didn’t have space for me. I finally thought of someone who I could stay with. My Dad had worked with him for many years, and he had a family. They moved to Virginia just before my family had a few years back. They had reached out to me and offered their spare room a while back. I was quite nervous about staying with them but they were my only option. They had just had a baby boy and I was really excited to get to spend some time with their little one. I didn’t know how much influence my parents had on them. I didn’t know if my family would manipulate them like that had every other person I stayed with.

RJ dropped me off there that evening. It was great. I loved staying there. The first night I was there I sat down with them and they asked what I needed. I told them I didn’t want anyone popping in or showing up unannounced (that’s what happened at the first place). They respected all my wishes. I loved living there I got to watch their kiddos all the time. I loved the practice I got with their little one and it made me really excited for mine.

This part of my story has been harder to write than the rest. A lot happened and it’s not easy to remember everything because it was so awful. I will post the rest of this story tomorrow, keep an eye out for it. Thanks for reading.

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