Monday, November 20, 2017

About Me

Sorry it took me so long to get this post finished. With birthdays, holidays and our trip to Disney World I have been very busy!


The other day I wrote all about my family which I find much easier to write about than myself. I have been through a lot for someone who is 23. I love who I am. It took a lot to get here and I wouldn’t change anything about myself or my life for any reason.


RJ is always taking pics of me. I love my long hair these days
and this picture shows it well. 
I was born and raised in Utah as a Mormon. Being raised in a Mormon household had a large impact on who I am. I was taught how to be a good mom, and a good person, but it was always conditional. When I was in elementary school there was a girl who wasn’t a Mormon and I remember telling her I couldn’t play with her as she wasn’t a Mormon too. I regret that to this day. I wish I could remember who she was so I could apologize. The conditional love was the first thing that made me really question if The Mormon Church was true. When I made a “mistake” and didn’t follow The Mormon Church’s rules exactly I was judged instantly and quickly felt like the black sheep.        
As I got older I started to see a lot of intolerance within The Mormon Church. They believe you need to try to be perfect to get into heaven. Everyone knows that is impossible. This mentality created a lot of guilt when I was a teen. I felt guilty doing normal teenage things, like kissing boys, and exploring my sexuality. I never felt good enough, even when I was doing everything, “right”. When I finally realized perfection was pointless and unrealistic I finally felt happy. I have recently realized I am the only one who can define perfection for myself. I am my own definition of perfect. What is perfect to me is most likely not perfect to you, and that is ok. Life would be boring if we all wanted to become the same.


I promise I am a good mom! Please ignore the mess in the back,
we do actually live in our home. 
I am an Atheist. It took a very long personal journey to get here. Realizing that there is nothing after this life is a hard pill to swallow. I considered myself Agnostic for a while. I wasn’t sure if there was a god or not and if there was he definitely didn’t care what type underwear I wore. After a while I became happy to know this life right now is all I have. I try to make the best of every single day. I don’t worry about the little things. I don’t seek a higher power to make decisions. I am kind to people because I want to be and it’s the right thing to do. I don’t think we need a god in the sky to bribe us with blessings for good behavior. I want to teach my children to be good decent human beings because it’s normal and what they should do. Not because it’s what a religion demands of them.


I have lived a lot of places in my life. I grew up in Utah. As a teeager I moved to Northern Virginia. Then I moved to Kennesaw, Georgia, 30 minutes outside of Atlanta. We lived in Nashville, Tennessee for a while, a different city in Georgia, and now Northern Virginia again. I feel most at home here in Northern Virginia. I think it is because I am not a Mormon anymore. I would not fit in in Utah. As much as we loved Atlanta's suburbs it is very southern, and deep in the bible belt. Virginia feels like home. I fit in here. RJ and I spent our early dating life here. There I so much to do and see, it’s a very fun place. I love it.


I am bisexual. Sexuality is a spectrum. I happen to find myself near the middle, maybe toward the same sex side a bit more. I wish I would have been able to explore my sexuality earlier in my life. I have always felt attracted to women but in a very religious environment I was afraid to express or explore my feelings. I am lucky enough to have a husband who loves me for who I am and not who he thinks I should be.


My drink of choice is gin. I love a good gin and tonic, or a fancy gin cocktail, unless it has cucumber. Cucumbers are delicious, just not in drinks. I also love good wine, particularly pinot noir, prosecco is always good too.


RJ and me at The Book of Mormon musical this weekend. 
I love to cook and bake. I have gotten much better at cooking the past few years and I have started to enjoy it more than baking. I would love to take a few cooking courses, I think I would have a lot of fun, and learn a lot.  


I love trying new foods. RJ started my food exploration. During our early dating life we spent a lot of time trying new restaurants and enjoying each others company. There are very few things I won’t try. One of the first places he took me to was a lebanese restaurant. I remember being very skeptical but I loved every bite. I also love an ethiopian restaurant he took us to when we lived in Nashville, Tennessee. Traditional ethiopian is eaten without utensils. It is served with a savory fluffy crepe, that you used to pinch up bites of food. It is delicious and a very fun experience.     


I’ve thought about getting back into art. I took a lot of art courses in high school and I enjoy it very much even if I am not that good. I’ve thought about starting at Etsy page and selling my work. It would be a good way to make extra cash and help me relax and unwind.


I love being a mother. I’ve always wanted to be one and it comes naturally. It defines me. It is part of who I am.


I hope to find more time to blog. Hopefully the holidays don’t interfere too much. I look forward to blogging about The Book of Mormon musical we saw this weekend. It was amazing and very funny.

Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

October 2017 About Us Update

I started this blog at the end of June in 2016. My life has changed a lot since that first post and I thought it was about time to do an update. This ended up much longer than expected so I have broken it up into two posts. The first post is about my family as a whole and the second will be about me, come back back here tomorrow for part two!


Our most recent family photo. I am mid blink but
I love Heather's face! 
I’ll start with the name of my blog, “May December Madness” it’s a reference to our age gap. My husband RJ is 24 years older than me. Relationships with large age gaps are regularly referred to as May-December relationships. I love our age gap. It works very well for us. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and have lots of children. RJ always wanted children too but he never found the right person. When we met, everything fell into place. RJ is older, and established in his career. He can pay for six kids, and I am young enough to have them easily. Yes, RJ is more than likely going to die before me. No, that doesn’t scare me or upset me. I love him and want to spend the time I have with him being happy and enjoying life. We have done a pretty good job at that so far.
RJ and I have been together for about 5 years, and we have been married for about one and a half. We got married May 13th, 2016, at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. It was an amazing experience. I miss living near the Georgia Aquarium a lot. It is a really fun place. I have fond memories of taking Rosalie there on quiet week days and pretty much having the place to ourselves. I also took Rosalie and Heather there on my own when Heather was really young. We look forward to visiting Atlanta, it is a special place to us. We don’t plan on ever moving back but we love it there and plan to visit often.  


We now live in Ashburn, Virginia, not too far from D.C. We love it here. There is so much to see and do. We are 45 minutes from downtown D.C. with all the monuments and museums. Ashburn is a lot of fun too. There are a lot of parks, and yummy places to eat. It is very family friendly and we hope to buy a house here soon.


Rosalie was saying, "Arg" like I pirate when this was taken.
We were at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. 
RJ and I have two daughters, Rosalie, and Heather. Rosalie will be four in November, and Heather will be two on Sunday. They are very busy and love to play. They love their friends from MOMS Club, who we see at least once a week, sometimes three or more. MOMS Club is an international, non-profit, non-denominational support group for stay at home moms. I first discovered MOMS Club in in Georgia and we made lifelong friends. I was ecstatic when there was a club in our area here in VA, we joined weeks after we moved in.


Rosalie and Heather recently have started to fight just a little bit, and I need to be a referee. Rosalie used to be able to trade toys with Heather if she wanted what Heather had but, now Heather is a bit more opinionated and doesn’t want to trade. When they do play together they are so fun to listen to.  They love to make dark caves and play with any toy that lights up inside. The way Heather says, “Rosawe” I just too cute. They love to greet each other in the morning. Occasionally I call them my giggle girls when they are playing and can’t stop giggling. I love them.


Rosalie is getting so big. I cannot believe she will be four this year, I love how smart and bright she is! She loves to know how things work. Her favorite food lately is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. She shares her birthday with Mickey Mouse, which she loves to tell everyone anytime we talk about Disney. Her favorite movie right now is Big Hero 6. We just potty trained her, she’s been doing well for about four weeks now. She is very independent and is very proud of herself when she can do it without help. She can be very sassy at times but she is also very loving. One day this week she poked her head around the corner and said, “I love you Mommy.” It was adorable, I love her so much.


Heather is also growing too quickly. Much faster than I can follow. She loves her Daddy very much. The second she hears the garage door she runs to the door and yells, “Daddy, you home?” It's adorable and never gets old. She loves to color. However she has lost coloring privileges after coloring on the dishwasher, and the lower kitchen cabinets. I made her help me clean it, thank goodness I only buy washable crayons.

Heather will eat pretty much anything in sight. She particularly loves soup, sloppy Joe’s, fish sticks, and dino nuggets. She can eat more fish sticks in one sitting than I can. I love her so much.


We are very lucky to have two healthy children, we have had our fair share of losses too. I had one elective termination at 20 weeks due to fetal abnormalities. And I have had two early miscarriages. We are currently trying for baby number three and hope to get pregnant soon.


I hope I can rise my children in a way they feel comfortable being who they want to be and not what I imagine them to be. RJ and I will be proud and happy for them if they turn out different than we pictured. I don’t know who they will be, but I will love them no matter who they decide to be.


As a family we love everything Disney. We recently bought annual passes to Disney World. We plan on going at least twice a year, hopefully more. If you have never been to Disney World you cannot understand the obsession. I had no idea how amazing and magical it was till my first trip ever last November. It can be expensive but it is worth the money. It’s so amazing. We will be leaving for Disney in just a few weeks and I cannot wait! Be ready for lots of posts about our trip!


I love our little family and I cannot wait for it to grow.

Thank you for reading. Come back tomorrow for part two! I have let my blog fall to the side for a few weeks, I plan to get back at it.  

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Move From Georgia to Virginia

About three months ago, we packed up our house in Canton, Georgia, and moved to Ashburn, Virginia.


We had been wanting to move back to Virginia for a long time. RJ had been looking for a job in VA/DC for months. Because of the presidential election, there was a lot of uncertainty in the D.C. job market, so it took a while to get hired. When RJ did find a job, they wanted him to start immediately. We had barely three weeks to pack and move.


The girls and me in the moving truck.
I was packing, donating stuff, selling furniture, and fish tanks till the last minute. I sold 5 or 6 Ikea bookcases the night before the movers came, while RJ was out picking up the Uhaul. It was insane.


The movers we hired were awful. They didn’t know how to pack a truck. They didn’t wrap any of our furniture in blankets. Our stuff barely fit into the truck. There were many miscommunications between the two movers, which caused a lot of issues. It took two hours longer than we expected, and we were left with a handful of stuff we had to load into the truck ourselves. We also had to fill the back of my minivan.


I’m fuming thinking about it. It was an exhausting move.


When we finally emptied the house it was much later than we had planned. Luckily we made pretty good time to Virginia, even though it literally took all night. RJ drove the giant Uhaul truck with his Miata on a trailer towed behind. I got my sister a plane ticket and flew her up from Texas to help, she drove with me and my girls in our minivan. She drove the whole time which was super helpful.


By the time I made it to our new house, after dropping my sister off at my parents house, the sun was just coming up.


The girls reacting to the Chinese dragon over the Chinese food
isle in Wegmans. We love Virginia!
The next couple of days were the most exhausting of my life. It had been a very long time since I had pulled an all nighter like that. Rosalie and Heather didn’t want to sleep when we made it to Virginia, they had a lot of energy. I think I got less than 2 hours of sleep in about 36-48 hours. It was a very rough few days.


It has been nearly three months since the move. We absolutely love Ashburn. I am glad we chose to live here. I love the location and we hope to buy here soon.    


We are still unpacking and organizing. Life happened and we have had a lot of delays. Between relatives visiting, Rosalie and Heather getting sick, relatives moving, pink eye, and having a miscarriage. Life has not been easy the past three months.


I didn’t think it was going to be difficult to leave Georgia but it was. It was a place we had a lot of firsts in. I gave birth to both Rosalie and Heather there. We got married at the Georgia Aquarium in downtown Atlanta. We made so many memories there. The move happened so quickly I almost felt like I didn’t get to say goodbye! Even though we don’t ever plan on moving out of the DC/Metro area, Georgia will always be a special place to our family.  

Thanks for reading!

Friday, July 28, 2017

Second Miscarriage Final Update - Blighted Ovum


Hopefully this is the last update I will be posting about this miscarriage! I thought I would do a quick recap because so much has happened, over so much time.

Mid May I had a positive pregnancy test. RJ and I had been trying for a while and we were very excited.

Almost five weeks ago I went into my midwives office for a dating ultrasound. The ultrasound tech found an empty amniotic sac. When she told me I was really upset. I just had a miscarriage in November that was also an empty amniotic sac. It was really difficult for a few days to cope with the fact that I was about to have two losses in a row. It was devastating.

At that appointment my midwives took my HCG levels, to get a baseline. They would take my levels again to see if they had gone down which would indicate miscarriage soon. About one week later they took more blood work and discovered my HCG levels were dropping. Although it sucked it was nice to know my body was doing what it should be to miscarriage naturally.

I needed to replenish my iron with big fat burgers all week.
My midwives called me nearly every day to check up on me. It began to get a bit annoying but it was reassuring to know that they cared, and had a good system in place so patients who had things going on were checked on regularly. It was particularly nice to know they were there this past Saturday when I began to bleed very heavily. There was one moment where I went through about 3 or 4 pads in one hour. It was really scary. I called my midwives and left a message for the midwife on call because it was after hours. She called me back within 10 minutes. She told me if heavy bleeding continued for more than three hours go to the ER.   

Luckily my bleeding slowed down, just as we were getting ready to leave.

This past Monday, which was the first business day after I called my midwives after hours, my midwives called me. They asked how I was doing. I told them I was feeling better, and my bleeding had slowed. The nurse on the phone asked me to come in for more blood work.

Tuesday I got blood work, Wednesday they called me with results. The last time they took my HCG levels they were 8083, and they had dropped to 99. My number should drop to zero, but my body did what it was supposed to. The nurse told me to take a home pregnancy test in a few weeks if I haven’t had a normal cycle. That should tell us if my body has figured itself out so we can try again.

Nothing makes a better distraction than Game of Thrones!
Today I am feeling ok. My bleeding comes and goes, some hours it’s lighter, some hours it’s heavier. I am a bit moody, and find myself snapping at the girls a little more than normal. The poor sweet girls have gotten the brunt of my mood swings. I am pretty sure they will be happier than me when this is over.

Tomorrow RJ and I have dinner reservations at a great french restaurant that we used to go to a lot when we were dating. This past Wednesday was the fifth anniversary since our first date. I cannot believe that we have been together five years! I am so lucky to have him. He has been so understanding the past few weeks. He has dealt with my moodiness more than the girls have.
I hope opening up about something people try to hide will change the way we talk about it. I find it very difficult women are told not to disclose their pregnancies till after their risk of miscarriage is past. Women need support though this time. I am glad I told people. I am glad my village knew, and was there to support me. I wouldn’t have it any other way.   

Thanks for reading!

Hopefully my blog posts get a bit more exciting next week!

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Second Update - Second Miscarriage

It has been two weeks since my last update. A lot has been going on.


My parents left for Utah today. They closed on the sale of their home here in VA yesterday, and they close on the purchase of their home in Utah this upcoming week. The past two weeks the girls and I spent almost every day over there helping sort, organize, and pack. Rosalie and Heather were a cute distraction when needed. Sometimes they just got in the way, but it was great to spend time with my parents. I wish our relationship was closer but I think there are hurdles we can’t jump, even when trying. I am glad Rosalie and Heather got to know their grandparents though.


Rosalie and Heather are too cute. 
Since my last update my pink eye cleared up. My mom told me that when I was younger, it would sometimes take three different rounds of antibiotics before I got better. I am glad it cleared up. I washed my makeup brushes, bought new mascara, and eyeshadow primer. Since my Urban Decay Smokey palette is a dry product I didn’t need to throw it away. I used it Thursday, and yesterday and didn’t catch pink eye again! I was a little worried I would catch it again, but the germs had weeks die.


Wednesday was the five year anniversary since my first date with RJ. I cannot believe we have been together for five years! Time as flown, but at the same time it feels like we have spent forever together already. We have a nice dinner planned next weekend at a nice french restaurant we used to visit all the time here in VA. I’m glad I have RJ around. He has been so helpful and supportive during this miscarriage. I am lucky to have him.


I got blood work back and my HCG levels had dropped. I got additional blood work and my HCG levels had continued to drop. I spoke to another midwife during my most recent blood draw. She told me it was ok to continue waiting in my case, since there was only an empty sac there is not much that can go wrong by waiting. I did not want an induced miscarriage.


Earlier this week I started to bleed just a little bit. It has been slowly picking up throughout the week.       
Heather covered in stickers at
Mimi's house on moving day!
This afternoon around two, my bleeding picked up a lot and got very, very heavy.


There was one point where I bled through about 3 or 4 heavy pads in one hour. I was having really bad, sharp cramps, and passing quarter sized clots.


We called a friend over because the amount of blood was scaring me. It was enough to scare RJ too. I called my midwives 24 hour number. I left a message for the on call midwife with basic information about what was going on. She called me back very quickly. She told me if I continued bleeding that heavily for 3 hours go to the hospital. It could be my body flushing everything at once, or it could be a problem. The hospital would do an ultrasound and probably a D&C. Luckily, right before we were about to pack up and go to the hospital my bleeding started to slow.


It has continued to slow all evening, and I have pretty mild cramps. I believe I passed the traditional clump of tissue passed during miscarriages when I was bleeding heavily. I am not one hundred percent sure, but I do not think my bleeding would have slowed down so much if I had not passed everything. I’m sure I will know soon. Hopefully the bleeding doesn’t pick up again. It was pretty miserable.


I am sure I will see my midwives next week. Possibly even Monday. I am not sure how quickly they will want to see me. They are really on top of their patients and checking in on how they are doing. They called me nearly everyday checking in to see how I was doing, it’s nice to have doctors who care so much.


I will do my best to post another update as soon as possible!


Thanks for reading!



 

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Update - Second Miscarriage

A lot of stuff has happened since my post on Saturday. I have not started to miscarry yet but think I will soon.

Sunday morning my pink eye was bad enough I went and found an Urgent Care. My right eye was very red and swollen shut when I woke up. I have been on antibiotics since last Monday. I went back to the doctor Wednesday and got different antibiotics because the first weren’t working. The skin all around my eye is dry and almost raw because the eye has been so runny and goopy. At the urgent care they prescribed a different antibiotic and it seems to be working. Yesterday my eye hurt alot. It was sore and burny. It’s less swollen today, and a bit sore like a tired muscle. Hopefully third time's the charm and it gets better quickly.
I was a shocked they did not catch pink eye.

Sunday night I had a few hot flashes. The only other time I have had hot flashes was just after I had Heather. I am assuming this is a sign of my hormones dropping. Hopefully I will start to miscarry on my own soon. I just want it over with.

On Monday I had repeat blood work. They only drew for HCG levels. Hopefully we see a drop, meaning my body has figured out it is not actually pregnant and will flush what is there.

I also had a Rhogam shot Monday, my blood type is A negative, RJ’s is AB positive. If I had a baby with a positive blood type and their blood got into my bloodstream, my body will make antibodies and attempt to fight the baby like it was an infection. My body would attempt to do that with future pregnancies as well. Luckily Rhogam shots are incredibly effective, and prevent my body from developing the antibodies that would make pregnancy risky. They are given for miscarriages, around 25 weeks of a normal pregnancy, and within an hour after birth if the baby has an incompatible blood type. Both Rosalie and Heather are A negative, so I did not have to get the shot after birth. It was technically unnecessary during their pregnancies but since we did not know their blood types then, it was given as a precaution.

This was not the worst day of pink eye. It looks much better
today. It's still red but less swollen.
I may have been ok without a Rhogam shot for this miscarriage because it was so early, but it is good to do just in case. It causes no harm except for a slightly sore bum for a day or two.

I had the girls with me on Monday. When the nurse was prepping the Rhogam shot Rosalie thought it was for her and she got super nervous. She didn’t want to watch, and hid behind the bench, but she thought my bandaid at the end was cool. She also seemed surprised I didn’t cry. Heather watched. She looked concerned so I smiled at her and she just went on with her playing.

Yesterday my hormones felt all over the place. I was moody, and emotional. The girls were misbehaving. My eye hurt. Yesterday was a rough day.

Today, Tuesday, the 4th of July, we are relaxing and spending the day in our PJ’s. I had a few hot flashes this morning. Still no bleeding. I will probably hear about my blood work tomorrow. It will be nice to know for sure what is going on. Over all it has been a much better day than yesterday. My eye feels a lot better today. My hormones don’t feel quite so crazy. I have been a little less tired. I have been crampy, I hope it picks up.

I will do my best to keep posting updates. I am sure when I start to miscarry all I will want to do is chill on the couch eating chocolate, and watch Netflix. Which will give me plenty of time to write.


Thanks everyone for the kind words and thoughts. Loss sucks, no matter how it happens.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Second Miscarriage - Blighted Ovum

I think the world needs to be more open about miscarriage, and infant loss in general. Telling women to wait to announce their pregnancies to family and friends, causes an interesting dilemma. Obviously, if something goes wrong, it can be difficult to explain and talk about when you are processing it yourself. However, I think suffering alone, in silence is much worse. Anywhere between 10 and 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 80 percent of those happen before 13 weeks, which is typically the time frame for going public with your pregnancy. Miscarriage is very, very common, it’s important for women to know they are not alone.

In November of last year I had a miscarriage. I was about eight weeks pregnant when I went in for my first appointment. The ultrasound showed no baby, just an empty amniotic sac. Within days after that appointment. I miscarried naturally. That loss was not too difficult. It was my fourth pregnancy and I had never had a miscarriage before. I knew how common they were, and I knew my turn was coming eventually. It helped that there was not actually a baby.  

RJ and I have been trying since then for another baby. It felt like it had been a while and I was starting to get a bit discouraged. We have never had to try more than a few cycles to get pregnant before. I discovered I have a thyroid problem that can make it difficult to get pregnant (as well as a lot of other symptoms). The first month I was on the meds for my thyroid, I got pregnant. Some time in mid May I had a positive pregnancy test. There were a few friends I told instantly, after my first appointment with my Midwife last week I thought it would be ok to tell a few more people, even thought it was still quite early.

This past Monday I went in for a dating ultrasound. The ultrasound tech found an empty amniotic  sac. When she told me, I broke down. I did not expect two losses in a row. It is incredibly disappointing to have a positive pregnancy test, start to get pregnancy symptoms, and get excited, only to find out there is not actually a baby in there.

RJ was at home with Rosalie and Heather. I texted him. I knew he felt the same way I did. Shock, disappointment, sadness, it was awful.

All the nurses and women in the office were amazing. When the midwife came in the first thing she asked was how I was feeling and processing all of this. I told her I was most disappointed because I didn’t expect two losses in a row. She said it is not uncommon. She also assured me I didn’t need to worry too much. I have two healthy children. The chance of having a third empty sac in a row is unlikely. I am young, and flukes like this just happen. There is nothing anyone can do to prevent them.

My midwife told me we have a few options moving forward. We can give my body some time to miscarry on it’s own, or I could take a pill to kick it off. She told me I didn't need to decide immediately. I already knew I would wait and hope my body handles it on it’s own. Drug induced miscarriages can be much more intense and painful, and I would prefer it to be as easy as possible.

All the nurses I had seen came and checked on me to make sure I was ok. It was nice to have so many women in one space who understood what I was going through in one way or another.

I'm pretty sure there is not a cuter distraction in the world.
I had some blood work done last Monday, to test my HCG levels and confirm my blood type. I have an appointment this upcoming Monday to redo blood work to see how things are going.

So, here I sit in my living room hoping the cramps I am feeling pick up and my body decides to miscarry on it’s own. Not to mention the nasty case of pinkeye I caught from somewhere, life is peachy right now. I’m glad I have RJ, Rosalie, Heather, and Delaney to comfort and distract me.

I think women need to be more open about loss and miscarriage. It sucks, and it is easier to deal with if you have your village around you.

I will be posting updates. I feel like it’s important to share the process. My body might miscarry on it’s own. I will need to go back to the office and get ultrasounds and blood work if it doesn’t start soon to make sure I do not develop an infection.  

I apologize to anyone who I had told about the pregnancy, but not told them what’s going on yet. This is the easiest way to reach everyone and explain. It helps me process to write it down.