Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Update - Second Miscarriage

A lot of stuff has happened since my post on Saturday. I have not started to miscarry yet but think I will soon.

Sunday morning my pink eye was bad enough I went and found an Urgent Care. My right eye was very red and swollen shut when I woke up. I have been on antibiotics since last Monday. I went back to the doctor Wednesday and got different antibiotics because the first weren’t working. The skin all around my eye is dry and almost raw because the eye has been so runny and goopy. At the urgent care they prescribed a different antibiotic and it seems to be working. Yesterday my eye hurt alot. It was sore and burny. It’s less swollen today, and a bit sore like a tired muscle. Hopefully third time's the charm and it gets better quickly.
I was a shocked they did not catch pink eye.

Sunday night I had a few hot flashes. The only other time I have had hot flashes was just after I had Heather. I am assuming this is a sign of my hormones dropping. Hopefully I will start to miscarry on my own soon. I just want it over with.

On Monday I had repeat blood work. They only drew for HCG levels. Hopefully we see a drop, meaning my body has figured out it is not actually pregnant and will flush what is there.

I also had a Rhogam shot Monday, my blood type is A negative, RJ’s is AB positive. If I had a baby with a positive blood type and their blood got into my bloodstream, my body will make antibodies and attempt to fight the baby like it was an infection. My body would attempt to do that with future pregnancies as well. Luckily Rhogam shots are incredibly effective, and prevent my body from developing the antibodies that would make pregnancy risky. They are given for miscarriages, around 25 weeks of a normal pregnancy, and within an hour after birth if the baby has an incompatible blood type. Both Rosalie and Heather are A negative, so I did not have to get the shot after birth. It was technically unnecessary during their pregnancies but since we did not know their blood types then, it was given as a precaution.

This was not the worst day of pink eye. It looks much better
today. It's still red but less swollen.
I may have been ok without a Rhogam shot for this miscarriage because it was so early, but it is good to do just in case. It causes no harm except for a slightly sore bum for a day or two.

I had the girls with me on Monday. When the nurse was prepping the Rhogam shot Rosalie thought it was for her and she got super nervous. She didn’t want to watch, and hid behind the bench, but she thought my bandaid at the end was cool. She also seemed surprised I didn’t cry. Heather watched. She looked concerned so I smiled at her and she just went on with her playing.

Yesterday my hormones felt all over the place. I was moody, and emotional. The girls were misbehaving. My eye hurt. Yesterday was a rough day.

Today, Tuesday, the 4th of July, we are relaxing and spending the day in our PJ’s. I had a few hot flashes this morning. Still no bleeding. I will probably hear about my blood work tomorrow. It will be nice to know for sure what is going on. Over all it has been a much better day than yesterday. My eye feels a lot better today. My hormones don’t feel quite so crazy. I have been a little less tired. I have been crampy, I hope it picks up.

I will do my best to keep posting updates. I am sure when I start to miscarry all I will want to do is chill on the couch eating chocolate, and watch Netflix. Which will give me plenty of time to write.


Thanks everyone for the kind words and thoughts. Loss sucks, no matter how it happens.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Second Miscarriage - Blighted Ovum

I think the world needs to be more open about miscarriage, and infant loss in general. Telling women to wait to announce their pregnancies to family and friends, causes an interesting dilemma. Obviously, if something goes wrong, it can be difficult to explain and talk about when you are processing it yourself. However, I think suffering alone, in silence is much worse. Anywhere between 10 and 25 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and 80 percent of those happen before 13 weeks, which is typically the time frame for going public with your pregnancy. Miscarriage is very, very common, it’s important for women to know they are not alone.

In November of last year I had a miscarriage. I was about eight weeks pregnant when I went in for my first appointment. The ultrasound showed no baby, just an empty amniotic sac. Within days after that appointment. I miscarried naturally. That loss was not too difficult. It was my fourth pregnancy and I had never had a miscarriage before. I knew how common they were, and I knew my turn was coming eventually. It helped that there was not actually a baby.  

RJ and I have been trying since then for another baby. It felt like it had been a while and I was starting to get a bit discouraged. We have never had to try more than a few cycles to get pregnant before. I discovered I have a thyroid problem that can make it difficult to get pregnant (as well as a lot of other symptoms). The first month I was on the meds for my thyroid, I got pregnant. Some time in mid May I had a positive pregnancy test. There were a few friends I told instantly, after my first appointment with my Midwife last week I thought it would be ok to tell a few more people, even thought it was still quite early.

This past Monday I went in for a dating ultrasound. The ultrasound tech found an empty amniotic  sac. When she told me, I broke down. I did not expect two losses in a row. It is incredibly disappointing to have a positive pregnancy test, start to get pregnancy symptoms, and get excited, only to find out there is not actually a baby in there.

RJ was at home with Rosalie and Heather. I texted him. I knew he felt the same way I did. Shock, disappointment, sadness, it was awful.

All the nurses and women in the office were amazing. When the midwife came in the first thing she asked was how I was feeling and processing all of this. I told her I was most disappointed because I didn’t expect two losses in a row. She said it is not uncommon. She also assured me I didn’t need to worry too much. I have two healthy children. The chance of having a third empty sac in a row is unlikely. I am young, and flukes like this just happen. There is nothing anyone can do to prevent them.

My midwife told me we have a few options moving forward. We can give my body some time to miscarry on it’s own, or I could take a pill to kick it off. She told me I didn't need to decide immediately. I already knew I would wait and hope my body handles it on it’s own. Drug induced miscarriages can be much more intense and painful, and I would prefer it to be as easy as possible.

All the nurses I had seen came and checked on me to make sure I was ok. It was nice to have so many women in one space who understood what I was going through in one way or another.

I'm pretty sure there is not a cuter distraction in the world.
I had some blood work done last Monday, to test my HCG levels and confirm my blood type. I have an appointment this upcoming Monday to redo blood work to see how things are going.

So, here I sit in my living room hoping the cramps I am feeling pick up and my body decides to miscarry on it’s own. Not to mention the nasty case of pinkeye I caught from somewhere, life is peachy right now. I’m glad I have RJ, Rosalie, Heather, and Delaney to comfort and distract me.

I think women need to be more open about loss and miscarriage. It sucks, and it is easier to deal with if you have your village around you.

I will be posting updates. I feel like it’s important to share the process. My body might miscarry on it’s own. I will need to go back to the office and get ultrasounds and blood work if it doesn’t start soon to make sure I do not develop an infection.  

I apologize to anyone who I had told about the pregnancy, but not told them what’s going on yet. This is the easiest way to reach everyone and explain. It helps me process to write it down.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

Mormon Excommunication - Fourth Anniversary

Today is not the anniversary of my marriage, or the day I met my husband. Today will mark four years since the day I was excommunicated from The Mormon Church.


I was excommunicated for wanting to keep the child I was pregnant with. As well as enjoying the sex I had to get pregnant.


Snuggling with Rosalie, I love her. 
I decided to edit my initial story of my excommunication, (I am a much better writer than I was when I wrote it a few months back) as well as reflect at bit.  


Looking back I still cannot believe how it all happened. I never would have imagined my parents would have acted the way they did. I hope I am smart enough to never make my children feel the way a felt. The “love” my parents showed me wasn’t love. Although love can be shown in many different ways if the recipient doesn’t feel loved it’s not love.


The few months right in the midst of all the crap that happened were the worst in my life. Even though it was the worst time in my life it lead to the best years of my life I have had so far. I am glad things worked out the way they did. I wish my family would get over themselves. My mother still believes RJ is completely responsible for what happened. She sent me a letter a few months ago telling me to, and I quote, “stop being his puppet”. I’m not who she thinks RJ is but he is a amazing loving father and husband. He can occasionally be an asshole but I can occasionally be a bitch so it works out! It’s been four years already. This is my life and I love it. If you don’t want to be a part of it that’s fine, leave me alone and stop trying to shove your religion down my throat.


Today I decided it would be fun to share something new. I have my invitation to my disciplinary council, and the decision letter excommunicating me.  

Enjoy!
  
Invitation to my disciplinary council
C:\Users\Ken\Desktop\Disciplinary Council Invitation Letter pg1.jpgC:\Users\Ken\Desktop\Discplinary Council Invitiation Letter pg2L.jpg
Decision letter Excommunicating me (notice my name is spelled wrong)




Also enjoy the edited version of My Excommunication Story.

Thanks for reading!

Friday, April 21, 2017

I am Atheist

I am Atheist. I am very proud of it. It is who I am.


I was raised a Mormon and I always had questions about religion. The timeline in the bible never made sense. A god who expected humans to be perfect, seemed cruel. A god who “gave” us sexual urges but told us not to act on them, seemed even more cruel. None of it made sense, but I went with the flow so I could fit in (I also was afraid of what my parents would say/do if I expressed my doubts, rightly so). Particularly as a teenager, I felt like I had no choice. It was not until I was excommunicated for wanting to keep my own child, and enjoying the sex that I had to make her, that I began to really wonder if there was a god at all.


I do not believe in any form of god. For a while I considered myself agnostic. I was unsure if a god did or did not exist. If a god did exist I knew he wasn’t the god Mormons worship, who claim he cares what type of underwear you put on in the morning.


Mormons idea of god also tells you it is not ok to judge, but at the same time tells Bishops and other church authorities to judge people and kick them out of their church. The majority of Mormons are not welcoming to people who have “sinned”. Many other religions react similarly to “sinners”. It is difficult for me to understand why people who are religious are so judgmental and have a, “I am better than you attitude”. Shouldn’t you have a lot of love for the people who need it most or are “struggling with faith”? (as religious people would put it)  


The more I thought about religion the less it made sense. The more history and science I studied, the less I thought god existed at all.


God, is something humans created when we didn’t know the earth was a sphere. We didn’t know the earth revolved around the sun. There is a lot we still do not know. God was created to fill in the gaps when we knew much less than we do now. We still do not know everything, but at this point, there is no need to have something to fill in the gaps. “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid answer. Not knowing and trying to figure it out is much better than making up a fairy tale to somewhat explain, and never trying to figure it out.    


Yes I am dying my eyebrows naked, because why not. A
photo I never would have published when religious. 
I believe in science. There is overwhelming evidence that points to life evolving from small organisms millions and millions of years ago. We were not created a few thousand years ago by a god with the flick of his wrist. Anyone who lets their belief in something magical get in the way of science, needs to rethink their beliefs.


If you believe god used the big bang to create the universe, or used evolution as a way to create humans, that is a cop out. If you go back that far and say, “that is where god’s hand is” you will realize that god does not need to exist. The universe and earth does not have to have a creator.


I believe humans are good. I believe we are born with empathy. We do not need religion to make us good. We should not be taught being good gets us a reward after we die. We should be good and nice because it is the right thing to do. Yes, there are people who are bad people, and they need help, not from religion though, help from doctors and physiologists. The average human is nice and kind, because it is how we have evolved.


I became an atheist in just the past year or two. Atheism can be a hard pill to swallow. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that there is no life after this. The life we are living today is all we have. There is no afterlife, no heaven, no hell, just now and here.


The realization that this life is all I have, has made me a better person. I do not worry about the little things any more. I will never be perfect. I do not need to live by any silly religious rules to get a better life when I die. There is nothing when you die. I love the life I have. I make the most of it every single day because I know it is all I have. This earth and life is so amazing. I plan on enjoying every possible moment of it until the day I become worm food, and get recycled back into this beautiful universe.


Thanks for reading!


Monday, April 3, 2017

Septum Piercing - Two Week Update

I am absolutely loving my septum piercing. Today is the two week mark since getting it done.


Typical healing period for a septum piercing is 4-6 weeks. Yesterday was the one third to half way mark, so I thought it was a great time for an update (read my post, Septum Piercing to hear all about my piercing experience)!

So far my piercing site it is feeling pretty good. It is much less sore that it was last week. It has hand a few bumps/bonks which is why I am really proud it is doing so well. RJ went in for a kiss a little too enthusiastically one evening, right after a bit of rumpy pumpy, and bumped it pretty good. Heather elbowed me, Rose head butted me, and Heather elbowed me a second time (she likes to climb, especially on me).  Aside from a bit of swelling after each bonk, it felt better quickly after the initial ouch was gone.


My care routine has changed slightly. The traditional sea salt soaks were a little too harsh on my nose. The piercing itself was feeling fine but the rest of my nose was getting raw and sensitive. I watered down my salt soaks but my nose didn’t feel better. I decided to try just warm water for a day or two and see how things went. After the first day my nose was feeling much better and my piercing seemed to be doing just as well. I am not a professional but switching to plain water has really helped my healing process.


One of the small children who was having a
particularly fussy day.
I’m going to get a little gross here for a minute and talk about boogers (I’m sure it has crossed some people's minds). Spring is in full swing here in Georgia. There is a coat of yellow pollen on everything outside. I have come down with a good case of allergies, and obviously that means extra boogers. I have this irrational (possibly not so irrational) fear of boogers hanging from my piercing and no one telling me about it while I go around doing daily tasks. Luckily, this has not happened, and I do not think it will. When doing water soaks twice a day my nose gets cleaned out pretty thoroughly and do not have many issues during the day.


I am very happy with my piercing, it is healing well. If I didn’t have small children it probably would heal even faster because it wouldn’t get so many accidental bonks. I am still having days when it feels sensitive and new, but I love it.


If you are thinking about getting a septum piercing I highly recommend it. It is a good, first, facial piercing. With the right jewelry it can be turned up and completely hidden. It leaves no visible scar tissue. It is not a cartilage piercing so it heals quickly. And if you go to the right piercer the piercing will be quick and the pain will be very short.


If you have any questions I am happy to answer them! Thanks for reading!

Monday, March 27, 2017

Septum Piercing

I got my septum pierced!


I absolutely love it and decided I would write all about it here on the blog because there is a good amount to tell about it. I’ll be posting healing updates, and other future details about my piercing too.


I have always thought septum piercings were pretty. I have a few old friends from highschool who have them and really like the way they look. I brought it up to RJ for the first time Saturday, just over a week ago. I did not know that he absolutely loves them. He is not new to piercings (I have talked about his, in a previous piercing post). RJ has always thought septum piercings are sexy and thought I would look really good with one. He never brought it up before because it’s a pretty bold piercing, and is something he thought someone should decide on their own. As soon as I mentioned it he was really excited and suggested I go get it done the next day.  


A proper septum piercing is through the small bit of skin you have between where the cartilage in your nose ends, and the opening of your nose, near the tip. It’s called a, “soft spot” and everyone’s is different. You can feel your own by taking your pinky fingers and pinching the inside of your nose near the tip. Wiggle your fingers side to side parallel with the ground. You should be able to feel where the cartilage in your nose ends, and how big your, “soft spot” is. Not everyone has enough space there to have their septum pierced. Saturday night when I was testing myself to see if my soft spot was sufficient, I was not positive. I am not a professional, so we planned to head down there anyways with hope that I had the right anatomy for the piercing.  


The possibility of the piercing not happening, made me much less nervous on the way down to the piercing studio, which was nice. Sometimes, when I get really nervous, I get a stomach ache and avoid whatever I was supposed to do.


Sunday morning after having a nice big breakfast, we drove down to Atlanta to a good piercing shop. When we got there, I left RJ, Rose, and Heather in the car. Minors are not allowed in the studio till the age of 12, and anyone 12-17 in the studio must be the one getting pierced, and have a parent with them.


When I walked in I was happy to see 2 of the 3 women had septum piercings. Any time you get any sort of piercing make sure it’s a reputable place. A studio listed on the APP’s (Association of Professional Piercers) website should be good. I went to Virtue and Vice in Atlanta. I told the lady behind the front desk (I don’t remember her name) I wanted to get my septum pierced. She asked me when my last meal was (it is important to have eaten a meal in the last 4 hours, no one wants anyone fainting). I had breakfast about 2 hours beforehand and I also had a snack on the drive down because we live about 50 minutes from the studio. She said good, then asked me when my last alcoholic drink was. I had had one gin and tonic the night before around 11. Which was also good. Alcohol thins your blood. Thin blood and someone putting a hole through a part of your body do not go well together. I had not had enough alcohol to affect anything though.  


The lady behind the counter started the paperwork for my piercing, and showed me the jewelry I could choose from. Another lady, Lena, who would be piercing me, grabbed a pair of gloves and checked my nose to see if my soft spot was large enough. She said it was good, and a 16 gage piece of jewelry would be best. I chose a stainless steel circular barbell. I chose that because I wanted to start with something really basic.  


Right after Lena said I was good and I had picked jewlery, I started to get nervous. This was really happening. I was getting my septum pierced! I had a million questions running through my mind. How bad would it hurt? Would I really like it? What if I fainted? I have never fainted before.


My piercer took my jewelry to be sterilized, while I signed papers and paid. I was getting more and more nervous.


Just a couple minutes later, Lena said, “come on back”. I followed her to the first room, set my things down and took a seat on the table (this studio has doctor like tables, some have dentist-like chairs, I guess it’s the piercers preference). Lena chatted with me and made me feel comfortable. As she was getting everything ready, I told her I was a bit nervous. She said the build up/anticipation for this piercing is the worst part. Lena has two septum piercings herself. They look pretty close together, smaller gage and one behind the other. I get brazilian waxes about once a month and occasionally, I put it off because the anticipation of the pain is awful, even though the actual pain is never that bad.


Lena got everything ready, she cleaned my nose and drew a small horizontal guide line near the tip of my nose. She explained the basics of the piercing, then had me lie down and scoot up so my head was at the top of the table. She used a basic piercing guide, that looks like a small clamp with two round guides on the end. She placed it in my nose where the she would be piercing me. She checked to make sure it was not painful (apparently for some people the guide is extremely painful when it’s in place, it felt fine to me. Obviously having a hard metal thing clamped on my nose was not comfy! But it was not painful at all). Lena got the needle ready, she told me to take a deep breath and on the out she would pierce. It was over very quickly. My eyes watered a bit just because it’s a knee jerk reaction no one can stop. She then threaded the jewelry through which was more painful and eye watering than the actual piercing but it didn’t last long. I just kept breathing slowly (slow breathing helps me through any pain). The anticipation was definitely the worst part. The actual piercing was not too bad at all.


Lena cleaned my nose and had me sit up slowly. She told me to take a look in the mirror, and see what I thought. I was a little nervous but loved it instantly!


When I got out to the car RJ loved it. When Rose saw it she said, “oooo I like it!” I had showed her pictures before I got it so she wouldn’t be too surprised. She has not stopped telling me it’s pretty since I got it.


New piercings require a good amount of cleaning and aftercare. I have been doing sea salt water soaks twice a day. I have been very careful to not bump it or pull it. Today is the end of day 10. It’s a bit itchy at times (healing itchy). It’s a bit sore but not painful. The past two days my nose has gotten a bit raw. I have watered down my salt washes and that is helping a bit. The most annoying part is how ticklish it is. The day I got it, and the second day were the worst. I have gotten used to the majority of the ticklishness. Now it’s just ticklish sometimes, not all the time.


If you are thinking about getting any piercing please go to a good piercer! Find someone who is an APP member and go there over the questionable place close to home. Atlanta has three studios listed on APP’s website. I have been to two of them. The closest one is Virtue and Vice and it is 50 minutes from my home. The drive for a good piercing is worth it. Do not cheap out when it comes to getting a needle through your body. Go to a reliable place.


I cannot wait till my piercing is healed and I can put in all the cute jewelry!

I will keep posting updates here! Thanks for reading! Let me know if you have any questions!   

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Worst Family is a Sick Family

The past few weeks have been rough at the Ayres house. We all came down with a stomach bug. Being sick while taking care of two small humans is the type of thing that makes all us stay at home parents want to down a bottle of wine in the evening.


This was the worst day of our head colds, Rose was so out
of it. I love Heather's tired smile. 
Disclaimer: You might not want to read this post if you are a sympathetic puker. Or if someone describing puke makes you sick.


Thursday morning about two weeks ago I went to get Heather out of her crib. I opened her door and the overwhelming smell of puke wafted out. I have never smelled puke like that before, it was bad! I am not one to puke at the sight or smell of puke, but this made me want to. I have no idea at what time in the night she actually puked, she must not have cried about it much, because she didn’t wake me or RJ up. By the morning it was mostly dry and she was playing with whatever was left (I know, kids are disgusting). I quickly stripped her clothes off and threw her into the shower with RJ. I threw the large chunks and whole raisins into the toilet then started laundry, washing all her bedcovers and clothes. I retrieved a grumpy wet Heather from the shower and took her downstairs for a diaper. RJ steam cleaned the floor in her room and opened the windows. I am so glad RJ had not left for work yet.


Heather did not puke again that day. She had a fever around 99-100, had no appetite, and was very tired and snuggly all day. The following day, Friday she was still sick but did not puke. But I started to feel under the weather. Friday night I felt really sick and nauseous, I ended up puking my guts out early Saturday morning. I have not felt that sick in a very long time. I spent the entire day on the couch trying not to dry heave. It was rough. Heather was feeling better. No one else had come down with the the plague yet...   


Heather never falls asleep on the couch. She was so sick. I
am glad it did not last too long. 
I was worried Rose would catch it. She is not fun to handle when she is sick. Saturday evening Rose puked all over the carpet. It was bright orange and smelled like Cheetos. Rose puking made Heather cry, and attempting to keep both of the girls out of a large puddle of orange puke, while trying not to puke myself again took some serious skills. RJ cleaned up the puke while I cleaned up Rose and tried to calm both of the girls down (we had to shampoo the carpet an additional two times to get all the smell out. Every time someone walked over that part of the carpet the smell got kicked up till we deep cleaned it). Rose puked another one or two times that evening but RJ and I watched her closely and we were able to help her make it to the bathroom. It was not easy to do while feeling sick myself, but much easier than cleaning puke out of the carpet.


Sunday I was feeling much better. RJ thought he was in the clear and had passed through unscathed, but that Saturday night/Sunday morning the nasty stomach bug claimed it’s final victim. RJ said the last time he puked that hard he was definitely not sober! Luckily, I was feeling better on Sunday because Heather puked in her crib again at nap time. I think it was my fault. I sent her to bed with a sippie full of milk and her stomach wasn’t ready for it so it came right back up. I don’t think Rose puked again that day however it was a bit foggy, I was still recovering.


Having a family of four, all getting sick at the same time is awful. If you think you can handle puke everywhere, cleaning it up while being sleep deprived and nauseous, definitely start a family.


Rose still smiled on her worst day after puking a lot the
night before. 
What was worse than puking, was the awful head cold we all came down with a couple days later. I have never been so congested in my life. The pressure in my head was the worst part. RJ introduced me to nose spray, which helped a lot. After a very hot bath, cold medicine and a few days of nose spray I felt much better.  


Being sick sucks. Being a sick parent with sick kids is absolute hell. Still, I would not trade my family for anything, and I still want it twice as big as it is now!


Finally, I feel 100% again. I felt good enough this weekend to get my septum pierced! I’ll be writing a whole post about it next.

Sorry I went dark on the blog for a little while! I’m back!