Friday, January 20, 2017

I am Bisexual

I am bisexual. In layman's terms, I am attracted to both men and women. I have had feelings towards women for as long as I can remember, but it has only been the past few years of my life I have felt comfortable accepting it, talking about it, and acting on it.  

This will probably come as a shock to most my readers. It was not something I could put words to until recently. The past few years of my life have been very developmental for me. Being excommunicated from The Mormon Church and figuring out what I believe in has been a huge part of learning to accept me for me.

But before I really get into all the “why’s” I want to clarify what being bisexual means to me (my definition is more than likely different than someone else's, which is perfectly fine).

Being bisexual does not mean I love my husband any less than someone who is straight. It just means when I see a sexy person walking down the street that person may be a man or that person may be a woman. Just because that person is sexy and I'm attracted to them does not mean I'm going to cheat on my husband. It does not mean that I don't feel fulfilled in my  relationship with my husband emotionally or sexually. It just means, I can be just as attracted to a woman as man in anyway. Whether that be, physically, intellectually, or sexually.

Being bisexual doesn’t mean I am attracted to every woman I meet. Straight people aren’t attracted to every person of the opposite gender they come across. Look at it the same way.

Now that I am “open” or “out” please don’t treat me differently. I am the same person I have always been. Just because you know something new about me does not mean I am different. I am still Megan. I feel weird needing to say this but I know even after saying this some people will still treat me differently.

RJ is very supportive of me being bisexual. He loves me for me and I absolutely love him for that. I am so glad I found him. No one else could understand me the way he does. Now into all the “why’s”...

Growing up in The Mormon Church I was taught sexual feelings were bad. I wasn't supposed to explore my sexuality by myself, or with anyone else. We were taught “God” had given us all these amazing feelings and body parts but were not supposed to do anything about them until we were married (and they told us this all the time). It was hard to understand why these feelings were so strong before I got married. Why did I even have them if I wasn’t supposed to use them until after I had gotten married in The Mormon Temple? Did something happen in The Temple that changed things? It was impossible for me to understand.

Coping with my sexual feelings as a teen was really difficult. I was super horny (like most teens are), and this caused me to feel guilty alot. I wanted to explore. I wanted to learn everything I could about myself. I masturbated, I felt guilty. I thought sexually about boys, I felt guilty. I fooled around with boys, I felt really guilty. I thought sexually about girls and I felt extremely guilty. I had all these feelings and emotions and I didn't understand why a “loving God” would tell me they were bad, when they felt so natural.

Feeling guilty all the time sucked. I always thought I was doing something wrong, and I wasn’t good enough. Mormons are always told to, “strive for perfection”. As a teen when sexual feelings were really intense and impossible to resist, I thought I would never be good enough. As an adult looking back, telling anyone to try to become perfect is awful. It’s creates a horrible cycle of guilt and self doubt. Discovering I didn’t have to live for anyone except myself was so freeing. I can be who I want to be without worrying if I am perfect or not.    

I never want my children to feel the way I felt growing up. My parents did not know how I felt, and I didn’t know how they would have reacted if I had told them. I was afraid of their reaction. I hope I can raise my children in an environment where they can be themselves. I want them to grow up knowing who they are. Not figuring it out later. I want them to know it’s ok to be whoever they want to be even if that’s not what they/I expected.   

I'm here to tell everyone out there these feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with you! Exploring your sexuality responsibly will not send you to hell or hurt anyone. Find someone to talk to. I believe if someone had told me these feelings were normal and not feelings from “Satan” I would have been happier as a teen (I’m sure I looked happy from the outside but on the inside but I had a lot going through my head. P.S. Mom, I was not depressed).

It took me a very long time to realize that any feelings I have towards women are not bad. I regularly wonder what my life would be like if I had gone through my teenage, hormone filled years in an environment that accepted all sexual orientations. I am sad for people who are influenced by others around them to hide how they feel sexually, or are pushed and told there is only one way (again I am so lucky RJ is understanding and loves me for me). No one is the same, that’s what makes us all so amazing. No one is perfect, but no one needs to be.  

I hope that opening up helps others who are struggling with their sexuality. It’s OK to be attracted to any gender, multiple genders, or no one at all. It’s not a disease or something you can change. It is part of your DNA, like your hair color. You might be able to mask the color but you will always be a brunette or a blonde.  

I am happy to be a listening ear for anyone who needs one, and I am willing to answer any questions anyone has for me. Thanks for reading!

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